Cynical AF

Being a Gen-Xer – the most liberal, adaptable, independent and coolest generation of them all – it is to be expected that I would also be one of the other common characteristics typically attributed to Generation X, i.e. cynical.

Coming of age during the era of 80s excess and 90s angst, our moods swung between ambitious wanting and dejecting depression on an almost daily basis. Our black cladding, flannel shirts and torn jeans an outward rejection of whatever it was society was expecting of us.

We made a badge of honour out of distrust, and collectively decided that the only people we could count on were ourselves.

It’s only natural that this distrust would breed cynicism amongst this cohort, but it is also true that the cynical force is stronger in some than in others.

I, for one, am a Jedi Master of Cynicism.

As a teenager, I had already developed a sense that people weren’t all they appeared to be, that there was another side to the smiling, friendly face they put on, and that at any given moment they could turn on you and cut you like a knife.

Perhaps this stems from growing up in the shadow of the biggest betrayal of all – that of a mother towards her child. From a young age I had learned of all the ill treatment my mother suffered as a result of her cruel mother; the fallout of this having a long half-life, which continues to this day.

So if you can’t trust a parent, whom can you trust, thought I?

As a child I was careful in making friends, selecting a special one in whom I could place my trust in the belief this would limit the chances of being hurt. It did not.

Growing up, I often repeated this mistake, each time ending with the same sense of betrayal, until eventually I learned that people will disappoint you – Every. Single. Time. And not just in friendships, of course.

Over the years, there have been acquaintances, lovers, colleagues, managers, leaders, even family members, all who have shown themselves to be less than they would want you to believe.

The result has only increased my cynicism, validating it.

Being cynical is not an attractive trait by any means, and it impacts your daily life – my resting bitch face is undeniable. But for me, it’s a protective layer. I already presume the worst of people so it’s no surprise when they behave poorly. It’s hard to be disappointed in people if you don’t assume too much of them, and easy to avoid feeling hurt when they treat you just as badly as you expected them to.

Men, of course, are the worst perpetrators. I’ve gotten very good at knowing exactly what they want and how to handle them, often with not just a little disdain. I’d built a secure life keeping my distance from them, and deployed all my cynicism when I did interact with them – and I was justified at every turn. Of course, love makes all the difference.

But overall, my cynicism remains unchanged because I can see through your facades, World.

While you sit there acting like a faithful husband, a good Catholic, a loyal friend, a cool person, a dutiful son, a great manager, a competent adult, a worldly human, know that I know the truth – you have shown me your dark side, and while on occasion I may have gone “wow”, it actually did not surprise me in the least.