The Complicated Life of ESS-EEE-EX
Ask two intelligent people – a man and a woman – to sit down and have a rational, platonic and objective discussion about the importance, complications, implications and relevance of sex in their lives and in society in general, and you will inevitably discover that their views on the topic are vastly different. Then take another two intelligent people, and you’ll find that each of their opinion is different again.
Of course, this will be of no surprise to anyone. Everyone knows that men and women view sex from utterly incongruous lenses, whole books (plural!) have been written about it, which is why it often strikes me as a miracle that men and women manage to hook up at all.
Whether we want to admit it or not – or whether we are aware of it or not – the truth is that sex plays an incredibly important part in most adults’ lives, even outside of the bedroom. This intimate, intensely private act, and all of the associated emotions, should, on paper, remain strictly within the confines of those four walls, but the reality is, they don’t.
We all like to think of sex as an act of love between two people in a romantic relationship, but, more often than not, it is more than that. Even in a romantic relationship, it isn’t just that. Often, very often, too often, love has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Certainly, now you’ll be thinking to yourself, of course, she’s talking about power; sex is about power and who wields it. And in part, you’re right. But not entirely.
Power, control, validation, gratification, and domination, are all part of the act and far removed from any romantic gesturing. These complex elements exist on the thin edge between what is good about sex and what can be very bad about sex. And the over representation, or one-sided hold of any one of these elements can have devastating consequences.
Remarkably, still, in today’s society, we would associate power with men, but when it comes to sex, I’d argue women are very powerful. In the absence of violence, it is we women who control that one thing that men want from us – sex; and until love plays are role, it’s all they want from us.
Power and control in the world of sex belongs to women in that we say yes or no, we say if and when, we can also say where and how. When women learn that we are in control of our sex lives, we feel empowered, our capacity to appeal and draw attention to us validates that sense of power, and when we are in control of our faculty to do so, we can use it to our advantage.
This feeling of control gives women confidence, we become hyper-present, visible, self-assured, active in our own life decisions. In a patriarchal world, the idea of being able to control sex, a valuable commodity men seek from us, choosing when we gift it restores our sense of agency.
Feeling powerful and in control of your sex life can make you feel empowered in other areas of your life too. The sense of validation spills out in the broader realms of your existence, and gives you confidence in your ability to take command of any situation. Conversely, being powerless in sex can lead to a general sense of ineffectiveness and frustration in life.
The devastation, therefore, when sex in all or any of its forms is taken from us without our willing consent, whether by force or manipulation, stems from this utter loss of agency over the one thing that truly belongs to us. Even the smallest suggestion of losing control, the tiniest possibility that we could have very easily been over-powered, can send us into a tailspin.
Because the truth is, while we may feel empowered by our ability to arouse interest, women are very well aware of how precariously we hold the reins of that power.
All this points to the fact that when it comes to sex, power and control are forceful elements, and that these must be permitted in equal measure to both men and women in order for something as complicated as S-E-X to be an enriching and satisfying experience. And if there is love to boot, well then, you truly are winning.
© Maria Orlandi, 2026